Oh gosh-- am I the only one who doesn't feel the Christmas spirit this year?
I feel horrible, feeling so empty during my favorite time of the year D:
So I thought-- maybe I can push the Christmas feeling a bit-- by making a Christmas Giveaway ; 7 ;
I'm sick anyway and have barely anyone to talk to, so I'm bored nonstop if I'm not doing the commissions I owe-- so-- lets have a giveaway = u =
The rules are simple:
♥ Comment your favorite Christmas song under this journal [only one song per person, that also means you can only comment once]
♥ If you do so [no matter if your song was already mentioned] I will reply you with a number
♥ On December the 24th I will determine the five winners via a random number generator
♥ Each winner will get one free chibi from me [no matter how detailed the character is, small extras like pets or so are also ok too]
♥ Important: I will only draw your prize if you have a clear picture reference of the character [no mecha or furries pls]
Lets spread the Christmas spirit a bit TT v TT
P.S. does anyone else have a screwy dA lately?
I can't view my messages and the submission of journals is all fucked up as well D:
Since it's the 24th of December, I've determined the winners with a random number generator~
The five winners are:
Congratulations to the winners //throws confetti
You should receive a note from me soon ; v ;
And a merry Christmas to everyone ♥
Sat Feb 15, 2014, 8:21 AM
This is my button:
If you want to affiliate your weebly with mine, no need to ask, feel free to mention me ; v ;
Oooh god-- finally-- finally I managed to create myself a Weebly page //dies
This took way too long orz
I hope I didn't make any mistakes cause I'm seriously so done with editing
LEAVE ME A LINK YOUR OWN WEEBLY IN THE COMMENT SECTION AND I'LL ADD YOU <333
Sun Feb 2, 2014, 2:59 PM
GUYS SERIOUSLY PLEASE READ THE INSTRUCTIONS AT THE END
Please read everything before you order, thank you.
♥ Read everything before noting me + follow the instructions given
♥ Do not rush me [I am quite slow most of the time, but you will definitely receive your commission]
♥ Do not pay unless I have asked you to do so [send points / commission widget / paypal]
♥ Payment has to be made within 24 hours after ordering
♥ You may order different styles
♥ Only one slot of each style per person
♥ You may use the commissioned art e.g. on you profile etc. BUT PLEASE CREDIT ME
♥ strange skincolor
♥ NSFW [Yaoi / Yuri / Hetero]
♥ slight anthro [depends on the character, I might decline the commission though]
♥ extreme body hair
♥ old people [gomen]
★Style: Naked Chibi [willing to do NSFW (as in genitals are visible / suggestive / sexual poses)]
★Price: 700 / 7 USD [per character]
★No. of Characters: Max. 2 per person [if 2, couple Y/N ?]
★Slots: 5: FULL
★Style: Chibi Style 1
★Price: 1000 / 10 USD [per character]
★No. of Characters: Max. 2 per person [if 2, couple Y/N ?]
★Slots: 5: FULL
★Style: Chibi Style 2
★Price: 1500 / 15 USD [per character]
★No. of Characters: Max. 1 per person
★Slots: 2: FULL
★Style: Fake Papercut Chibi
★Price: 1000 / 10 USD [per character] [might charge up to + 300 / 3 USD if the character is very detailed]
★No. of Characters: Max. 1 per person
How to order:
Send me a Note entitled "Chibi Commish" [Notes without that title will be ignored]
Include this form in the Note [Notes without this form will be ignored]
★Username: [your dA username]
★Style: [whichever style of the ones mentioned above you want] [if Naked Chibi, NSFW Y/N ?]
★Price: [depends on the style, please calculate the final price already]
★Paypal email: [in case you will pay with Paypal]
★No. of Characters: [depends on the style]
★Reference[s]: [clear references of the character(s)]
★Brief Info: [personality, SHORT info about the character(s)]
★Pose/Expression: [in case you wish for a certain pose/expression] [if Naked Chibi, sexual pose Y/N?]
★Extra: [in case there's anything else I need to know about the character(s)]
Why don't you respond to my note?
Because you didn't follow the instructions of how to order a commission from me [see above]
Sat Feb 1, 2014, 7:30 PM
Well, I kind of ended up talking about this topic with a friend and I am really curious, what is your personal reason to draw?
What motivates you to draw?
I'm just really interested in hearing this from others-- so just leave a comment ; v ;
For me-- my reason why I draw is mainly because it gives me peace
It makes me feel calm [although it can also quite frustrate me haha] and it's my way of letting out steam
It balances me out internally I guess?
And then, ever since I started posting art actively online, I've also added all the people who support me to my reason why I draw--
The people who enjoy my art-- I really want to make them happy by keeping on drawing--
I love all of you too much to stop haha--
Of course I also need to let out my creativity somehow cause otherwise I'd explode--
Drawing the way I do is just my way of expressing myself-- and I can't imagine stopping, to be honest
I've often tried to start new hobbies -- but they were always killed off by drawing haha--
There's nothing I like more than drawing, really--
So yeah-- that's a short summary of my reasons to draw -- I wonder what it is like for others ; v ;
Wed Jan 29, 2014, 4:33 AM
Uguuuuhhhh--- so many sweet birthday wishes aaahhhh--
Thank you so, so, soooooo much for all those super cute comments aah-- they really sweetened my day a lot <333
I'm definitely going to reply all of them somehow ... I think
As for how my birthday went-- it was totally awesome homg-- best birthday in a loong, looooooong time haha
First all of my classes got cancelled but one-- so I decided to skip that one and stay home //SLAPPED
No school on my birthday, sure, why not |D
In the afternoon my grandparents and my uncle came over to have cake and celebrate a little and another friend also crashed at my place to congratulate me and stayed for the cake haha
had invited me to his place later in the evening, because he had something planned for me--
And that ended up in us sneaking up onto the rooftop of the skyscraper he lives in and we watched the stars --
But the actual surprise was that he talked his little brother into firing the last firework rockets he had left over from New Year's Eve haha--
It was so sweet = 7 =
Such a nice thing to do, really--
AND ON TOP OF THAT BOTH OF MY GUYFRIENDS TOLD ME I LOOK SEXY IN MY NEW BOOTS /////
For anyone who doesn't know, I got myself a pair of red cowboy boots as a birthday present haha
//tosses quickly taken pictures
Nnggh-- I swear I adore these boots-- they fit perfectly--
And that's how I went to school today haha--
Even my other two guyfriends who were VERY doubtful of the idea of me wearing cowboy boots took back everything they said and agreed that they look good on me pffft--
And EVERYONE was staring-- after all such boots aren't exactly common in Germany :'D
Now I'm off for a little break, tomorrow and Friday there's no school hehe = u =
Seriously this week is the best <3333
I hope that everybody is having a just as great time as I am ♥
Sun Jan 26, 2014, 11:28 PM
BEST. DAY. THIS. YEAR. SO. FAR.
CAN I JUST LOVE YOU ALL PLEASE?
I'D HUG EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU RIGHT NOW IF I COULD AAAHH--
SO MY SCHOOL GOT CANCELLED TODAY BECAUSE SOMEONE BROKE IN
JUST ONE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY
SCHOOL JUST-- DOESN'T HAPPEN LMFAO
EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM HEAVEN I SUPPOSE
AND THE COWBOY BOOTS I ORDERED FOR MYSELF AS A PRESENT HAVE ALSO ARRIVED
OUTSIDE ARE TONS OF SNOW AND IT'S NOT TOO COLD SO PERFECT WEATHER TO WALK
THIS DORK HERE TREATS ME TO LUNCH TODAY AS AN EARLY PRESENT
AND GOSH COULD THIS DAY BE ANY BETTER?!
I'M IN SUCH A FREAKING GOOD MOOD MAN--
SORRY I JUST HAD TO SHARE THIS
I HOPE EVERYONE ELSE WILL HAVE A SUPER DUPER MEGA AWESOME DAY TODAY
NIGHTY OUT ♥
I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE WOOOAH ~
Sun Jan 12, 2014, 3:13 AM
Did that title catch your attention?
I'm not joking though, this is about free art --
But you have to do me a little favor-- it's something anyone could do, I guess--
IT'S A SUPER COOL NEW RP GROUP WHERE PEOPLE GO PARTYING WITH MASKS OR ANIMAL HEADS ON !
COME AND JOIN ME AND MY BBY VALENTIN IF YOU WANT TO RP WITH HIM ; 7 ;
THE SETTING IS SO AWESOME OKAY SO COME
And now about that 'Free Art' reward:
Upon joining, every new character will receive an icon like these from me ; v ; [but only for a limit time, so join soon!]
I kinda enjoy making them so yeah-- if you join, you'll get one ♥
Thu Jan 2, 2014, 3:59 AM
THESE GUYS FIXED MY LAPTOP SCREEN AFTER ALL
AND WE PICKED IT UP TODAY NNHH-- IT'S ALL GOOD AGAIN //RUBS FACE AGAINST LAPPY
I'M SO HAPPY I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY SHIT FOR THIS SOBS
NOW I CAN FINALLY DRAW IN BED AGAIN //SLAPPED yesIdothat
Yeah as the title says, my laptop screen is broken-- inside tho, not the glass
I'll have to use my father's computer again so that I can draw orz
Goddammit --- just my luck
We're going to let it get fixed asap-- but it'll take at least two weeks sobs
UPDATE: And even better:
My mom drove to the store because of my laptop and they accuse us of lifting the laptop with two fingers only right at the spot where it is broken -- like yeah sure I don't know how to lift a laptop after like 7 years of having one :I
They say that there are fingerprints on the spot-- duh, I brushed over it because I wanted to check if it was broken outside //rolls eyes
Seriously-- now I have to wait 4 weeks at least until they decide whether they will repair it or not-- and if not, then I will have to pay 200 € to get it repaired //huffs
Altho back when we bought the lappy [it's fucking two months old :I] my mom even made sure we get an insurance in case something like this happens-- but they're telling her that it's not the insurance we need for such things altho back then they said it is-- just wth orz
Sat Dec 28, 2013, 1:09 PM
Okay so-- I'm finishing the rest of the commissions I owe atm and I was wondering if anyone would like to do an art trade with me ?
I don't look for any special kind of art trade, we can do whatever kind of art trade you like [e.g. chibi, halfbody, fullbody, pixel pagedoll etc.]
Just comment what kind of art trade you'd like to do and maybe add some samples--
To already prepare you for which character I'd ask:
I'd be this bby
Please draw him like he's displayed on the left side as a chibi !
He's a rather powerful guardian angel, who fell in love with a mortal, but of course wasn't allowed to feel that way and thus was banished to earth to live there as a human for punishment
There though he made a promise with his beloved person, but to fulfill that promise, he needs his angel powers
Since heaven certainly won't give those back to him, he turns to the devil and they make a deal, well, rather deals
For every angelic trait he wants back, he has to give up something of his own
E.g he has to trade his innards and such--
That's why he also gets sicker and sicker--
Soooo yeah-- if you're interested-- just comment ; u ;
Mon Dec 9, 2013, 12:04 PM
Sat Nov 23, 2013, 7:22 PM
Soooooo the doc could finally pinpoint what causes my bad health--
Guess what guys, I've got mononucleosis, also known as the kissing disease [such a cute name homg]
It's what's making me miserable--
I've got myself the disease with all its symptoms orz
My tonsils are so swollen that I woke up at midnight, fearing I'd die from suffocation ugh--
And this is only the beginning or so it seems--
It's final now that due to my health issues I can not take part in this semester's finals, which are essential for my graduation and so I will have to repeat my last year of high school---
I'm excused from school for another two weeks-- then we have to see how I'm feeling orz
Man-- I'd say fate loves to fuck me up at the moment--
But hey more time to draw-- if there wouldn't be this pretty little art block right now orz
Sorry for making so many updates lately sobs
Well-- I feel better today-- more or less-- okay, a little-- very little--
I still feel exhausted, but not as much as before-- at least I can walk around and up and down the stairs without almost collapsing now--
The pills I have to take are freaking huge orz
And I can't take them without eating before--
Good thing is-- I feel like eating again ; 7 ;
Haven't felt like eating anything for a week or so now-- but it's slowly coming back--
But then again-- the pills still are quite heavy--
I get stomachache from them and whenever I cough [and oh hell I cough A LOT], I feel like I'd throw up any minute--
It's really just ew--
Those pills are almost 2 cm long orz
But I have to take them to treat my tonsils-- I swear the right side of my neck is slightly swollen because of those freaking things being yellow-coated //cries
Then another thing is-- my sleep hasn't gotten any better--
I still wake up so often and then the coughing makes it hard to fall asleep anyway--
Aaaaand apparently I get a fever whenever my body calms down to rest-- that's also why I sweat so much during my sleep--
I had a fever this morning when my grandparents came to check on me, or so said my grandma after feeling my forehead [she made me Get-Well Choco Pudding and cookies BUT THAT LITTLE DEMON OF A SISTER ATE MORE THAN HALF OF MY PRECIOUS PUDDING CRIES]
So due to that-- I'm not really feeling like sleeping haha orz
I'm kinda scared to lose consciousness while being asleep because of the fever-- or because of losing too much water due to all the sweating- I drink a lot-- but still--
For now I've got an alarm set every 2 hours to see if I am still conscious-- just in case--
I wake up almost every 2 hours anyway so meh-- not a big deal to be woken by an alarm--
I just hope this goes away soon-- I just wanna sleep calmly again because I love sleeping so much--
Same with the eating-- I wanna eat again without having to fear to puke it all back out again sobs
Everyone makes me such delicious food and then my stomach just goes all NOPE on me orz
But don't worry guys--
Like I said, I /feel/ better--
That's a start--
I'm not really tired right now [I more or less slept all day orz], so until I can come up with a hairstyle for the new OC I've got planned, I am watching the whole The Lord of the Rings saga because I never saw the movies, but always wanted to-- so being sick and unable to draw for the time being that's actually a pretty nice way to spend my time haha so much blood and pain and despair and war ; 7 ;
So I went to see my doctor--
She said that my blood sugar and my blood picture are normal actually, so that's not what triggers my bad health--
In the end my tonsils are yellow-coated --- again orz
Had the same thing a few weeks ago, it passed and now it's back-- just on the right side of my throat instead of the left ugh--
Well-- she couldn't really tell what's making me so sick but--
She said it's probably stress-- everything that I was planning to do and that now crumbled like a house of cards-- she said it was too much--
And well, it's over now so I don't stress about it anymore--
Now I just need to figure out how to get well again--
I'm excused from school for another week--
I'm missing a lot of classes lately and I'm considering to retake my last year of high school since it's freaking important for me and I can't go on doing it like this unless my health is all fine again--
To be honest, I wouldn't mind repeating the year-- my future dream popped like a bubble anyway and I've got two friends one year below me so meh-- I'd be with them---
We'll talk to my tutor in the course of the next days to see what he recommends--
Also-- what is probably making everything worse for me at the moment--
Well-- I lost my best friend, most likely -- and the person I love most of everyone I've ever met---
It's-- not easy to get through that-- mmh--
Knowing that a friendship ends is always hard but-- well-- this one is literally breaking me apart as well--
So idk-- I have to see how this turns out-- I'm still kinda positive-- maybe delusional-- idk--
For now I'll stay home for this week and try to get better, I've got medicine and all so it should help at least a bit--
Thank you so much
All those caring, comforting comments-- they really help a lot-- at least my mental weakness--
I'm sorry I haven't replied any of them-- though I'd rather like to thank everyone who cares about me right here
Thank you so, so much -- I'm sorry for worrying you--
Thank you so much for caring about me--
It means a lot more than you can imagine at the moment--
I swear I'm only getting worse orz
I have barely slept the last nights, this night was the worst-- I am bathed in sweat, my pajamas were soaked and it was so freaking cold and my throat hurts again like it did a few weeks ago and I'm having nightmares too I think--
My blood sugar is still low and I can barely stand up straight just ugh--
I'll go see my doc today afternoon--
It can't go on like this--
I'm gonna end up in a hospital if my health doesn't get better orz
Sorry just quick update from my phone I just ugh orz
The last weeks have been pretty shitty
And if I say shitty, I mean REALLY shitty
I've probably had a mental breakdown or two idk
And my health is so bad that my doc was scared I'd just drop dead
Apparently my blood sugar is way too low or so--
There's been some major changes in my life and some major breakdowns and a stroke of fate I'd say--
It all just swept the ground away from under my feet
I need to re-orientate myself entirely
I'm a mess and I know that and I need to do something to make this better and I will
I can't sleep and I barely eat -- but it'll get better
To all those that I owe a commission, don't worry, I'll do them
Just give me time please
For all those that wonder what happened to my profile or what happened in general
I ask you nicely
Don't ask me
Leave me be please
I don't want to talk.
I'll go see my doctor again and I will also seek help of a psychiatrist I believe--
It's not like I'm depressive or suicidal -- but lets say we won't risk me becoming it.
Being on dA hurts me quite bad-- so I can't tell how this will go on from now on--
But I know I won't leave--
I love what I have here too much to give it up
But please don't ask questions
I just wanted to update all of you guys since I think it's better for you to know what's going on.
Mon Oct 21, 2013, 11:06 AM
Yess-- finally-- I got a new laptop
It's a Lenovo Ideapad U510, does anyone have experience with that one? ; v ;
It has Windows 8 idek how to use that pff--
But this means I can draw normally again //sobs happily--
Thanks god OTL
Welp-- just dropping by to say that I have to buy myself a new laptop-- mine is completely broken--
Not that I have the money for a new one but yeah-- I'll see what I can do--
That's all OTL
Kay so yeah apparently my laptop still has some Problems and idek what's wrong since I re-installed Windows the fourth time now and it keeps bugging afterwards so yeah I give up--
I'll return my Laptop and see what the company can do--
I will stay rather inactive on dA because of that-- I might be able to use my dad's Computer for drawing but well-- that's limited so I'll have to see--
And as if I wouldn't have enough shit going on atm this one stresses me on top-- I'm just so done at the Moment--
See you guys around I guess--
Mon Oct 14, 2013, 1:48 PM
Okay this isn't even funny anymore--
Having my kiriban cheated twice--
I'm seriously not amused at all-- if the next one will be cheated again I'm definitely not going to do Kiribans anymore--
So, this time I got like 1.986 pageviews in like one day while my recent amount per day always was around 30 pageviews--
Just to show you what I mean: sta.sh/02glfll56xcu
I think I can call that obvious cheating--
I'll give it one more chance, next Kiriban will be at 55.000 pageviews--
If that one gets cheated like this again, I won't do any Kiribans ever again--
It's just unfair to everbody else, so please let this be a fair game in the future.
Mon Sep 30, 2013, 10:15 AM
Yaaayyy--- and I'm gone again * v *
Goodbye Germany, hello Mexico lmao--
Yeah I'll be visiting again for 18 days since I'm on autumn break ~
My laptop has still not been fixed, so I won't be able to draw at all-- but I'll check dA regulary ; w ;
Wish me luck guys, I'm scared something might go wrong [again; for everyone who didn't know, last time I got stuck in Mexico City because I missed my flight ahahaha-- orz]
I'll see you around
Fri Sep 27, 2013, 12:54 PM
OKAY WELL SEEMS LIKE MY OTHER LAPPY WONT WORK AS I THOUGHT SO THIS MEANS IM ON AN INDEFINITE HIATUS NOW SINCE I CANT DRAW OH GOD FUCK ALL THIS OTL
Yaay-- so guys-- my laptop died-- it fucking died just because I turned it off to turn it on again-- and then it wouldn't start anymore-- wouldn't log me in anymore-- so I got some help-- and I could login again-- but it was so slow that I couldn't do anything-- so the IT specialist who helped me said I will have to reset my laptop completely, losing all my files--
I did reset it
I turned it on again to let it reinstall everything
It didn't reinstall Windows as it should
Now it's unusable---
My laptop is fucking dead and I am so fucking angry right now--
It's not even a year old-- and atm I'm having enough stress with school and just ugh-- I can't cope with this-- I'm so stressed out-- I /NEED/ a break or else I'll have a breakdown--
Well-- one good thing --- I am on my old laptop atm--
I can still use it--
I can't promise that I can draw here though--
I might not be able to draw for a month or so-- idk- I'll have to see that--
Just thought I should tell you guys cause this means that my activity on dA will be VERY limited--
I'll just go and lay down and cry now ok bye
Fri Sep 13, 2013, 11:14 AM
HOMG FINALLY A NORMAL INTERNET CONNECTION AGAIN
I barely had any connection in England--
And I really don't want to elaborate the trip because ugh-- most of it was tiredness and walking around --
But there were some fun things that happened over the week-- so it was okay-ish I guess--
Anyways, just note that I'm back alright? ; 7 ;
I'll reply to all the comments now and I haven't drawn all week so orz-- gotta draw--
Well well-- the time for my class trip has come OTL
Tomorrow I'll be on my way to England for a week --
To Oxford to be precise--
I'll be visiting a few different cities, but mainly stay in Oxford--
I will take my laptop along, but I can't promise if I will have internet and be able to check dA ugh OTL
So I might not reply to anything for a week--
I'll be back on the 21st
If there's anyone that lives close to Oxford and would like to meet me and could come over, I'd be more than glad to meet up ♥ //SLAPPED
Thu Jul 11, 2013, 8:38 AM
Wed Jun 26, 2013, 1:58 AM
Umm-- does anyone want to do a chibi art trade with me ? ; 7 ;
I really feel like doing ATs right now--
But I have a special condition -- the art trade would be a couple chibi art trade -- meaning that I will only draw a couple, since I would request a couple as well ; w ;
My part would look like this:
If anyone is interested -- just comment on this journal saying so ♥
I'll pick two people that want to do an AT with me in a bit--
If you want to do this kind of AT with me, feel free to comment here anytime~
Okay so -- I didn't expect so many people wanting to AT with me
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING INTERESTED IN AN AT WITH ME ♥
So I made myself a list, cause there are so many people I'd love to AT with as well--
Still, for now I am going to choose only two people, but whenever I feel like doing ATs again, I will ask the people that have commented here if they still wanna AT--
For now I'd love to do a couple chibi AT with
I'm gonna send you guys a note soon asjdhfjasdhf ♥
Tue Jun 18, 2013, 5:19 AM
YAAYYY-- I'm finally back in Germany and home from my other trip
I will be able to check dA regulary again now-- and reply to all my rp notes //sobs sorry for neglecting those
Also my school, to be precise my last year of high school, will start in roughly 1 1/2 weeks-- so until then I will try to finish whatever I owe and have to do-- time to work my ass off for the rest of my break
Yeah-- just this time I have to say goodbye to Mexico
I don't even want to go hnng--
Tomorrow I will be back in Germany //sighs
But mah-- I had a great time here together with and and it was awesome to meet them in real life
I wish we'd live closer together and not on the other half of the world
Just for everyone to know, I will be on another 3-day trip with my uncle from the 26th on til the 29th most likely-- and I will have no internet so checking dA will be a problem haha--
But after the 29th I will be finally home again and will have like what-- a week left of my summer break ; 7 ;
So mb I can finish all the things I owe [mainly ATs //slapped] after the 29th, oki?
Be patient with me TT v TT
Bye bye guys, see you in a bit~
P.S. GO LOVE THESE TWO OK &
I've safely arrived in Mexico and am currently sitting at Macchi's place
I've had some really huge problems with my flights-- but it was okay, at least I got to where I needed to be
I don't know how much I can draw / work and check dA at all during my time here with Macchi but-- I'll try my best to get on dA at least once per day and reply some messages
I hope everyone is having a great time, cause I am ♥
... to Germany lmao
The time's finally here~
Tomorrow I'll be on my way to Mexico -- to meet my bby Macchi-Tacchi
I won't be on dA all day cause of the flight and such-- just to inform you guys ; 7 ;
Oh and for anyone who I owe art to and to all the group admins that have set those fricking countdowns for apps--
PLEASE FORGIVE ME BUT I DON'T THINK I'LL MAKE IT TIL THE END OF ANY COUNTDOWN
I'll be really busy cause-- holy glob I am going to Mexico
So I'll see how fast I can really finish whatever I have to do but-- please don't kill me if I can't make it
Atm I just can't pay attention to any time limit-- idk how it'll be in Mexico and how I'll feel and just ugh--- I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO THAN DRAWING-- FOR NOW
So just that all of you know -- idk how active I'll be with submitting art to dA in the course of the next 5 weeks-- I'm on vacation-- I'm so gomen
So, Clanuu and Macchi-Tacchi, I'll see you in a bit
Bye bye, minna ~ ♥
Fri May 10, 2013, 10:30 AM
I don't know how many people noticed, or even actually cared that I had my account deactivated for 48 hours [that are required for reactivation].
Just so you know, this wasn't by accident or someone abusing my account and deactivating me, I deactivated myself on purpose ... for a stupid purpose most might say.
If you don't want to read this, fine with me, I just want to explain and apologize to all those who I made worry.
Just from the start, I DON'T WANT ANY PITY.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THINGS LIKE "BUT YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT PERSON" OR "POOR YOU", NOTHING OF THAT PLEASE OR I'LL IGNORE IT.
Again I don't know how many people know about my inferiority complex ... probably not so many, since it has gotten better in the past year, so I rarely make a fuss about it ... well, this time I AM making a fuss about it.
Yes, I have an inferiority complex, a pretty bad one actually, but it got better, a lot.
Usually I am a really happy, carefree and easy-going person, I'm lucky, school is easy for me and my life couldn't get any easier or closer to what one might call "perfect", if I look at the whole of it.
But even so I can't help but think lowly myself, so lowly that it's hilarious, though I tend to cover that up while talking to others.
Nobody can ever tell how I'm really feeling, that's what I learnt ... and I'm not sure if that is a good thing.
In the past year I never felt really down or anything, at least not because of my stupid complex.
I don't have a lot of self-confidence, I'm just trying to cover that up with pride that pushes me head-first into dumb situations, I don't have a lot of self-esteem, I'm just trying to cover that up so that the ones around me don't have to worry.
And that worked well for a long time.
And I didn't think anything would happen, since it's been a year.
But it did.
Wednesday evening, everything suddenly collapsed above me and made me feel worse than ever ... I don't know how, I'm not depressive or anything, just sometimes, rarely, there are moments where my whole world seems to crumble and break around me and I cry for hours without having a real reason except hating myself for various reasons.
I'm not pretty, I know that, people telling me that over and over again hurts a lot, people saying I'm stupid, although they know I'm not shouldn't hurt me, but it still does, people telling me to "fuck myself" scars my heart, even though it might not seem like it does.
I know I shouldn't take all that bullshit that people say seriously ... but I do and I can't even help it.
Sometimes I feel like they're right with what they're saying ... I mean, I can't even get an A or at least A- in art class, what kind of joke of an artist am I, seriously?
It's not like I can't draw anything besides what you can see on dA, heck, my teacher once gave me an A+ for my project, still in the end I only received a B as my final grade.
There are moments when I just feel like the last, worthless scumbag on earth ... and nobody and nothing ever managed to get those thoughts out of my head.
Not even when people tell me that I'm a great person, that they love me, that I'm good at things and that I'm not ugly at all, nothing changes my mind, I try to change it, but something inside me struggles against it, it's like talking to a wall and that's why I grew tired of hearing those things, since they don't change anything at all ... I appreciate every compliment I get, more than you think and I try to let it give me some self-esteem ... but it doesn't work.
I'm already trying to convince myself that I'm not that bad, but I always find things that prove me the exact opposite.
That is also why I am barely ever satisfied with my works ... I am never proud of them, I never really like them, I never think that I couldn't have done it better, because I always find so many flaws and mistakes that I just curse myself for even touching a pen.
And so it came that I had pressed the "Yes, deactivate my account" button before even really realizing it ... and after that I only cried more ... but I needed some time for myself ...
I never wanted to deactivate my account ... yet ironically I did ... I don't even know myself ...
And here's the part where I have to make a BIG APOLOGY to everyone that I caused worry, but especially Macchi-Tacchi since she probably was the one who was literally sick because I wasn't accessible at all, not on dA, not on tumblr, not on Facebook, not via email, not even on skype.
After reading all the messages that I got on skype, I cried my eyes out once again.
I didn't even notice that, when I left my laptop on [I never turn it off, just put it on "Snoozing" mode], I didn't turn skype off, but instead only went on "Invisble".
I didn't touch my laptop the past days ... so I didn't notice anything.
I needed the time to calm down again and pull myself out of that shameful misery again and just get some space from dA and even everyone around me ... until my friends called and forced me to meet with them and they cheered me up a lot and helped me to get over it already, so I used the time that was left to draw all that crap I owe to people, trying to prove myself that I'm not that bad as I always think [though it didn't work at all].
I switched to my old laptop to work, I just didn't want to touch my current one anymore, to stay away from everyone and take a serious break for once, since my old lappy doesn't have skype or internet at all, so it was the simplest way to escape.
I didn't actually think people would worry that much ...
But they did ... and I feel so horrible for not replying, not even noticing it [yet again another reason for me to hate myself] ...
I'M SO SORRY, I TRULY AM
I'M SORRY FOR MAKING PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT ME JUST CAUSE I CAN'T KEEP MY FRICKING COMPLEX UNDER CONTROL
I'M SORRY FOR HURTING PEOPLE JUST CAUSE I CAN'T START TO THINK BETTER OF MYSELF
I'M SORRY THAT I DRAGGED ANYONE INTO THIS
And I'm sorry Macchi, that I hurt you ... especially you, after what I read on skype ... I made you feel terrible and I'm so sorry for that ... you can't even begin to imagine how bad I feel for this ... I can't even put into words how sorry I am ... I should probably tell you more than only this right now ... but I just can't seem to find the right words ...
I would never ignore you ... if I get a message from you, I reply it, so if I don't, that ALWAYS means that I did not see the message for some reason ... so please don't spend your days depressed and sleep-deprived because of my stupid actions ... the only reason why I'd ever leave you would be because I fucking died or am comatose or whatever ... and even in that case my friend will set up a journal on dA to tell everyone ... so everything is taken care of.
I hope you can forgive me ... I didn't intend to make you miserable ... [and I hope you felt my hugs meant for you when I hugged my pillow the past nights]
This goes to everyone again.
I will never deactivate my account again but ... just saying ... that you all might want to be prepared to not hear from me for a couple of days every now and then ... don't worry too much if that happens, I'll be okay ... just like I am now~
I'm all better again, no negative thoughts, everything's a pink, sparkling pony farm with unicorns and rainbows once again~~
I met with my friends and spent my days being cheered up and had a lot of fun, trying to distract my thoughts until I can reactivate my account~
SO PLEASE DON'T PITY ME OKAY?
AND DON'T WORRY, THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ♥
Sat May 4, 2013, 12:05 PM
1. For the first 20 people to comment "CUPCAKES" to this journal. I will feature of one their characters. I'll also tell you what I like about them.
2. If you do comment and get featured here, please do the same in your journal, putting the me in the first slot. The idea of this is not to get a free feature, it is to spread art around for everybody to get a gander at of your best work (in my eyes).
DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE HER?
OKAY THEN: OMFG I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR THIS TWISTED GIRL -- FIRST OF ALL-- HER FRICKING WEAPONS ARE OFFICE SUPPLIES -- THAT'S SO AWESOME SERIOUSLY-- AND THEN-- I WANT HER HAIR-- HER HAIR IS TOO PRETTY //SOBS
PLUS-- YANDERE GIRLS ALWAYS SEEM SO VERY FRIENDLY TO ME -- SOMEONE I CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH |D //SHOTSHOTSHOT
I simply love him TT v TT
I adore his hair-- first of all //punted
And then-- his development, the way he changes and /their/ story -- just too good for my heart ; v ;
He caught my attention immediately-- that hair omg //touches
Also-- I love arrogant and bratty characters e u e
I love how I first thought of her to be just a nice, little girl -- and then I read that she likes yaoi //kicked
EVERY CHARACTER THAT LOVES YAOI IS A CHARACTER I LIKE |D
His hair-- //touches
I love his hair-- and omg-- did I read sword swallower?! * A *
I really admire those people-- idk how they do their work but DAMN-- that's so awesome TT v TT
I'm such a sucker for his looks I swear--
Can I marry him please?
AND he's an asshole-- pfff-- couldn't be better //always falls for the bad guys anyway
If it's not obvious already-- I've got a weak spot for long-haired guys
H-His hair-- and-- he's a Pokemon trainer-- //loves pkmn til infity and beyond
again with dem long-haired guys //shot
First off-- there's a full story revolving around him -- with marriage and everything-- and I love elaborated characters like this one * v *
And then-- his personality sounds quite fun-- |DDDD
Not going to mention the hair again ... < u >;;
Ahaha-- a grumpy guy-- who doesn't love tsuntsuns? |D //SHOT
Besides-- Imma meet him soooon * 7 *
I love how he differs from all the other characters for MnG cause he hates showing his upper body-- I love unique characters the most and this is definitely one of them ; v ;
I have that slight liking for punk/gothic clothing ahaha-- //////
I love how this wasn't meant to be a character but now even has a contest to determine is name and bio * v *
That's what I call dedication of the creator ♥
Long legs * q *
She's so prettyyyyy amg--
And unf--- dat whip-- whips are always too sexy //swoons
HOMG-- a griffin
One of my most favorite mythological creatures-- how did you know //shot
That's all the reason I need to like him
NNGH-- WHY'S THE DESCRIPTION IN SPANISH OTL
//can't speak Spanish
but still-- I love his colors * v *
Plus-- he's a vocaloid and has long hair-- how could I not like him? |D //SHOT
Bawwww-- his personality-- he's such a cutie I swear = 7 =
He loves to tease the people around him-- that's my favorite character trait an OC can have |DDD
ASKDFJ ADVENTURE TIME OC <33333
NNGGH-- I LOVE THE VAMPIRE IDEA IN AT FAR TOO MUCH-- AND SHE'S SO PRETTY OMG--
Her hair is drawing me in-- and that hairclip >//////< //grabby hands
Hahaha-- he sounds like the perfect type of guy for me to mess with |D
It's always so much fun to provoke spoiled brats-- //would totally do it
And I love the choice of his colors * ^ *
Oh my god-- her design has always caught my attention-- //was just too shy to say it
I love her personality way too much-- kinda sympathize with her //shotshot
OMFG-- I SWEAR I LOVE HIS DESIGN SO FRICKING MUCH YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE AKSJFAKSJDF--
And the feature of his human skin peeling off---- so good hnnnggg-- > u <
I really love the idea-- very unique and creative <3
Pffftt-- her personality amused me A LOT |D
Sounds just like the type of girl I'd hang out with-- and I can take perverted jokes, I'd just come back at her if she tries to tease me |D
Also-- girls handling guns are always cool .___. ALWAYS