I don't know how many people noticed, or even actually cared that I had my account deactivated for 48 hours [that are required for reactivation].
Just so you know, this wasn't by accident or someone abusing my account and deactivating me, I deactivated myself on purpose ... for a stupid purpose most might say.
If you don't want to read this, fine with me, I just want to explain and apologize to all those who I made worry.
Just from the start, I DON'T WANT ANY PITY.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THINGS LIKE "BUT YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT PERSON" OR "POOR YOU", NOTHING OF THAT PLEASE OR I'LL IGNORE IT.
Again I don't know how many people know about my inferiority complex ... probably not so many, since it has gotten better in the past year, so I rarely make a fuss about it ... well, this time I AM making a fuss about it.
Yes, I have an inferiority complex, a pretty bad one actually, but it got better, a lot.
Usually I am a really happy, carefree and easy-going person, I'm lucky, school is easy for me and my life couldn't get any easier or closer to what one might call "perfect", if I look at the whole of it.
But even so I can't help but think lowly myself, so lowly that it's hilarious, though I tend to cover that up while talking to others.
Nobody can ever tell how I'm really feeling, that's what I learnt ... and I'm not sure if that is a good thing.
In the past year I never felt really down or anything, at least not because of my stupid complex.
I don't have a lot of self-confidence, I'm just trying to cover that up with pride that pushes me head-first into dumb situations, I don't have a lot of self-esteem, I'm just trying to cover that up so that the ones around me don't have to worry.
And that worked well for a long time.
And I didn't think anything would happen, since it's been a year.
But it did.
Wednesday evening, everything suddenly collapsed above me and made me feel worse than ever ... I don't know how, I'm not depressive or anything, just sometimes, rarely, there are moments where my whole world seems to crumble and break around me and I cry for hours without having a real reason except hating myself for various reasons.
I'm not pretty, I know that, people telling me that over and over again hurts a lot, people saying I'm stupid, although they know I'm not shouldn't hurt me, but it still does, people telling me to "fuck myself" scars my heart, even though it might not seem like it does.
I know I shouldn't take all that bullshit that people say seriously ... but I do and I can't even help it.
Sometimes I feel like they're right with what they're saying ... I mean, I can't even get an A or at least A- in art class, what kind of joke of an artist am I, seriously?
It's not like I can't draw anything besides what you can see on dA, heck, my teacher once gave me an A+ for my project, still in the end I only received a B as my final grade.
There are moments when I just feel like the last, worthless scumbag on earth ... and nobody and nothing ever managed to get those thoughts out of my head.
Not even when people tell me that I'm a great person, that they love me, that I'm good at things and that I'm not ugly at all, nothing changes my mind, I try to change it, but something inside me struggles against it, it's like talking to a wall and that's why I grew tired of hearing those things, since they don't change anything at all ... I appreciate every compliment I get, more than you think and I try to let it give me some self-esteem ... but it doesn't work.
I'm already trying to convince myself that I'm not that bad, but I always find things that prove me the exact opposite.
That is also why I am barely ever satisfied with my works ... I am never proud of them, I never really like them, I never think that I couldn't have done it better, because I always find so many flaws and mistakes that I just curse myself for even touching a pen.
And so it came that I had pressed the "Yes, deactivate my account" button before even really realizing it ... and after that I only cried more ... but I needed some time for myself ...
I never wanted to deactivate my account ... yet ironically I did ... I don't even know myself ...
And here's the part where I have to make a BIG APOLOGY to everyone that I caused worry, but especially =Macchi-Tacchi since she probably was the one who was literally sick because I wasn't accessible at all, not on dA, not on tumblr, not on Facebook, not via email, not even on skype.
After reading all the messages that I got on skype, I cried my eyes out once again.
I didn't even notice that, when I left my laptop on [I never turn it off, just put it on "Snoozing" mode], I didn't turn skype off, but instead only went on "Invisble".
I didn't touch my laptop the past days ... so I didn't notice anything.
I needed the time to calm down again and pull myself out of that shameful misery again and just get some space from dA and even everyone around me ... until my friends called and forced me to meet with them and they cheered me up a lot and helped me to get over it already, so I used the time that was left to draw all that crap I owe to people, trying to prove myself that I'm not that bad as I always think [though it didn't work at all].
I switched to my old laptop to work, I just didn't want to touch my current one anymore, to stay away from everyone and take a serious break for once, since my old lappy doesn't have skype or internet at all, so it was the simplest way to escape.
I didn't actually think people would worry that much ...
But they did ... and I feel so horrible for not replying, not even noticing it [yet again another reason for me to hate myself] ...
I'M SO SORRY, I TRULY AM
I'M SORRY FOR MAKING PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT ME JUST CAUSE I CAN'T KEEP MY FRICKING COMPLEX UNDER CONTROL
I'M SORRY FOR HURTING PEOPLE JUST CAUSE I CAN'T START TO THINK BETTER OF MYSELF
I'M SORRY THAT I DRAGGED ANYONE INTO THIS
And I'm sorry Macchi, that I hurt you ... especially you, after what I read on skype ... I made you feel terrible and I'm so sorry for that ... you can't even begin to imagine how bad I feel for this ... I can't even put into words how sorry I am ... I should probably tell you more than only this right now ... but I just can't seem to find the right words ...
I would never ignore you ... if I get a message from you, I reply it, so if I don't, that ALWAYS means that I did not see the message for some reason ... so please don't spend your days depressed and sleep-deprived because of my stupid actions ... the only reason why I'd ever leave you would be because I fucking died or am comatose or whatever ... and even in that case my friend will set up a journal on dA to tell everyone ... so everything is taken care of.
I hope you can forgive me ... I didn't intend to make you miserable ... [and I hope you felt my hugs meant for you when I hugged my pillow the past nights]
This goes to everyone again.
I will never deactivate my account again but ... just saying ... that you all might want to be prepared to not hear from me for a couple of days every now and then ... don't worry too much if that happens, I'll be okay ... just like I am now~
I'm all better again, no negative thoughts, everything's a pink, sparkling pony farm with unicorns and rainbows once again~~
I met with my friends and spent my days being cheered up and had a lot of fun, trying to distract my thoughts until I can reactivate my account~
SO PLEASE DON'T PITY ME OKAY?
AND DON'T WORRY, THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ♥